Still dying...still hoping

When death comes he is not gentle. He is ravenous, heartless, and vindictive. When dissension comes he is not kind. He is ugly, spiteful, and destructive. He is a liar and is tormenting me I am so low and so weak and so confused and so tired. Oblivion calls me to its waters, they are dark and they are cold but while i dip my toes the numbness seems to be the only salve for this pain. Where i put my hand to plow is rocky soil and i grow tried off reaping a harvest of dust and chaff, there is no substance here. I am tired of being crushed and ignored and being made to feel worthless. Please let me sleep let me rest let me run let me escape I am starting to believe him because of her. I am not strong anymore. I know there is hope but I am too weak now. Liars make oblivion look beautiful and sweet and gentle, she whispers in my ear "If you just make rest in these dark depths you will be released from this prison" so Then his wife said to him, “Do you still hold fast your integrity? Curse God and die.” But all I have left is my integrity and my God i will not give that up. I will give you everything else my love but not that, so when I die it will be my Lord's hand and not because I gave in to the Liar. Please give me grace Lord Jesus let my lay at your feet and let you fill my cup and give me the portion I need, your grace is always sufficient even now.You guide me with your counsel,and afterward you will receive me to glory.Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Guide me....us?

Have we reached the end yet? Can we see our unconquerable debt?

Can we sift through the dust and clay to find motivation for today?

I am the little maiden in your eye can you be the deep passion of my heart?

As long as my heart is content making mud pies in the ghetto I will still be blind.

I have no strength in me to change and no desire to move.

This stone in my chest weighs me down.

I am the tin man no counterfeit will do and no mystics no philosophy nothing immanent will remedy this rock. We hope for the living something we can not see, can not hear,

can not feel so we have misplaced life for death and there is nothing in us to see the difference. For from him and through him and to him are all things, stone becomes flesh and death becomes life.

You cannot see but you will not see.

The wind is surrounds you though you do not feel,

the wind inside of you and is ripping through your chest, but you ignore.

It is he who sits above the circle of the earth, and its inhabitants are like grasshoppers, who are we to ask where the wind blows and why it whispers through the tree to us? Land me safe on Canaan's side, bid my anxious fears goodbye.

preaching not poetic

How can God want us for His own possession when we have nothing to to offer?

I know that we are desperately wicked, desperately lost, and totally depraved, yet there is still grace? Through the out pouring of Your love there is grace, by the cross blood poured out healing, life, and love, and through this we are Your's Oh God.

The most beautiful, the most powerful, the most wonderful, the all in all, Lord, Savior, God was offered to pay the debt of our sinfulness and We are more then conquerors we are more than just dead men walking more than blind men wandering more then evil men scheming we are His slaves we are His children we are His.

God has done everything He could possibly could to show us that our existence is not a random collisions of chance plus time equals life, but a wonderfully made creation in which to deeply share His love and nature, He made us to show us that we are worth His best, but this lack of self confidence is still our prison.

Guilt will be our prison again guilt will rule us. Our prison will drop us to our knees and create doubt not only ourselves but in the God we love and the God whom saved us.

When we draw near to your own reflection look deep into your eyes and you will see a failure, you will see what you hate look into your eyes and you will see a lost sinner.

We were not created to draw near to ourselves but to God and until we can look so deep into the eyes of God that we can see in the reflection of His own eyes can we ever truly see how much He loves us but not until we can stop wasting our time looking into the mirror will we ever draw near to God.

Risks...

In cased in these four walls again trying to find a truth worth sharing.
Sitting in tears that I pray my brothers and sisters are bearing.
A swirling torrent among endless fields of nothingness I see.
Its violence swallows all things in its path.
We run and run and run but nothing in this field can save us it is filled with nothing.
I am here again and I cannot stop crying for them.
Every day I see more people engulfed in this death and I am helpless.
I want to save you all, I know I can't.
Let me be the new Atlas and carrying this world some how.
In their hearts is fear.
On their hands is blood.
Out of their mouths are lies.
In their eyes is hopelessness.
He is the only hope.
They are lost and we have the way!
Give them Jesus.
Show them Jesus.
Speak to them Jesus.
Live to them Jesus.
Save them Jesus.
There is no greater love than this that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us.

wrote forever ago makes no sense?

I watch the wind blow and the trees sway
I watch the leaves fall and the new day
I feel the cold on my skin
I feel the crumble within
I hear the cars pass by
I hear myself cry
I smell the fires burn
I smell the contents of the urn
I hold in my hands all things
I hold the book that in which truth rings

Please

Routine breeds complacency or so I hear, but don't you know I love you my dear?
You see evil in my eyes and watch my fist clenched and my jaw locked, but you know I am harmless.
I know not this love for if I did you would not even recognize me.
Oh now I see you oh Glory You surround me, and still I do not point to the grace that has covered me in Your blood.
I will never be the same I will never be the same standing in the all consuming fire that is Your righteousness.
As my darkness is expelled I disintegrate in Your hands.
I hear no cheers or see any tears;therefore, I shall keep walking in the suffering here and keep scraping my fist across the ground and I will scream so loud.
I pray I will quit beating my chest, and flexing my muscles, my God I hate me!
Oh I want to hide from you but every single morning you stare my in the eyes, and you know I cannot ignore you, I mean I hear I think I am logical.
I am so deprived of holiness, and so ugly.
You are right to want me out of your life, but I thank God he forgives me because he deserves to pass that judgment on my soul, yet He loves me and when I rest my head that is all I have some nights...most nights.

Look into my eyes again am I still the same?
I stare into my eyes and the mirror still beckons the same ugly image I wished to be martyred and I prayed for a righteous death, but You know that is too easy for me.
I want to hide in a cave, so You want to make me a leader?
Lord I wish I could say I shared your sense of humor.

I have slain the prophets and now she storms towards me with her sword, but I will gird up my loins and stand tall! I will not retreat this time Lord for You my God are my strength, and no matter how deep the sword cleaves into my neck, no matter how much blood spills from my wounds I will never doubt that you will display Your glory.

When You are near I pray I will be the mirror.
When I have nothing I pray You will be all I desire.
I don't know when this will stop.
I doubt I will sleep tonight, but Your glory is too important to ignore.

schizophrenic

I grasp for the wind and when gather it all back in my hands are covered in sin.
Look to the east You aren't there I look to the west You aren't there and You continue to hide Your face from me.
I will wait on You I think, but I will be honest that thought process stinks and I'm starting to think that all I have left to try is give You the kitchen sink.
I am the sin and the hate the destruction and I will seal your fate and I will stay up late and wait to break all of you up inside this wrath is dangerous and I will quickly slay you weak pieces of garbage....oh wait that is a lie! Lucifer go to hell and die!
Vanity of vanities this is all toil and pain even though my Savior was slain?
Oh all will be judged maybe I won't budge and stay in bed, hell I know where I am going when I am dead.
There is no reason to spread the blood that saves us from dread.
Why do you hate me it hurts more than you know Lord did you really make me white as snow?
The tears in my eyes matter not because everyone thinks I am a robot.
You can't hear my screams because you hide behind the scenes and tell them all sins I have reamed.
Everything will whither it will turn to dust even the metal will oxidize and rust.
OH GOD HEAVEN OR BUST!
Oh Light You shine so bright and move so fast,but even your greatness doesn't seem to last.
Take all the hate and fear and doubt, forget the suffering and pain, leave the fury and blame, expel the lust and shame, all the broken promises and lasting lies amidst the tears and scarred wrists still the love of God persists!
I am getting tired I feel my mind needs to be rewired, but the last thoughts while our heart rots still in spite of all of this even the the confusing twists and even while crying in the bottom of pits the love of God still persists!