Please

Routine breeds complacency or so I hear, but don't you know I love you my dear?
You see evil in my eyes and watch my fist clenched and my jaw locked, but you know I am harmless.
I know not this love for if I did you would not even recognize me.
Oh now I see you oh Glory You surround me, and still I do not point to the grace that has covered me in Your blood.
I will never be the same I will never be the same standing in the all consuming fire that is Your righteousness.
As my darkness is expelled I disintegrate in Your hands.
I hear no cheers or see any tears;therefore, I shall keep walking in the suffering here and keep scraping my fist across the ground and I will scream so loud.
I pray I will quit beating my chest, and flexing my muscles, my God I hate me!
Oh I want to hide from you but every single morning you stare my in the eyes, and you know I cannot ignore you, I mean I hear I think I am logical.
I am so deprived of holiness, and so ugly.
You are right to want me out of your life, but I thank God he forgives me because he deserves to pass that judgment on my soul, yet He loves me and when I rest my head that is all I have some nights...most nights.

Look into my eyes again am I still the same?
I stare into my eyes and the mirror still beckons the same ugly image I wished to be martyred and I prayed for a righteous death, but You know that is too easy for me.
I want to hide in a cave, so You want to make me a leader?
Lord I wish I could say I shared your sense of humor.

I have slain the prophets and now she storms towards me with her sword, but I will gird up my loins and stand tall! I will not retreat this time Lord for You my God are my strength, and no matter how deep the sword cleaves into my neck, no matter how much blood spills from my wounds I will never doubt that you will display Your glory.

When You are near I pray I will be the mirror.
When I have nothing I pray You will be all I desire.
I don't know when this will stop.
I doubt I will sleep tonight, but Your glory is too important to ignore.

schizophrenic

I grasp for the wind and when gather it all back in my hands are covered in sin.
Look to the east You aren't there I look to the west You aren't there and You continue to hide Your face from me.
I will wait on You I think, but I will be honest that thought process stinks and I'm starting to think that all I have left to try is give You the kitchen sink.
I am the sin and the hate the destruction and I will seal your fate and I will stay up late and wait to break all of you up inside this wrath is dangerous and I will quickly slay you weak pieces of garbage....oh wait that is a lie! Lucifer go to hell and die!
Vanity of vanities this is all toil and pain even though my Savior was slain?
Oh all will be judged maybe I won't budge and stay in bed, hell I know where I am going when I am dead.
There is no reason to spread the blood that saves us from dread.
Why do you hate me it hurts more than you know Lord did you really make me white as snow?
The tears in my eyes matter not because everyone thinks I am a robot.
You can't hear my screams because you hide behind the scenes and tell them all sins I have reamed.
Everything will whither it will turn to dust even the metal will oxidize and rust.
OH GOD HEAVEN OR BUST!
Oh Light You shine so bright and move so fast,but even your greatness doesn't seem to last.
Take all the hate and fear and doubt, forget the suffering and pain, leave the fury and blame, expel the lust and shame, all the broken promises and lasting lies amidst the tears and scarred wrists still the love of God persists!
I am getting tired I feel my mind needs to be rewired, but the last thoughts while our heart rots still in spite of all of this even the the confusing twists and even while crying in the bottom of pits the love of God still persists!

Doesn't make sense?

A broken heart
A new start
A darkened room
A shining moon
A deceiving guide
A Lord's bride
A lost face
A saving grace
A falling dove
A undying love
A dead man
A spotless lamb
A heart of loss
A wooden cross
A lasting sob
The one true God

Something maybe?

On the mountain top I cry out for the Lord.
The wind rushes through, the fire burns, the ground shakes, yet still I wait for the whisper in the wind.
Glory You are all around me.
I walk in You and even though I can’t hear Your voice I keep walking towards Your glory.
You give me rest in You, but the world gives me toil for the root of all evil.
The ones I love are crumbling beneath its fist, yet You continue to bless me through all of this.
I don’t know what to do Lord.
I have put stripes on their backs, and the pain I have caused makes me want to give up.
The king of liars throws me in the furnace and I doubt the Son of Man will protect me this time.
Yet your cross still stands to this day.
I look up at it sometimes and I remember Your suffering and pain, and the sin that You conquered that day.
More and more I look at your Cross and remember what Your blood covered, but then I remember what my blood covered hands done have with Your Spirit in me.
I was too weak and too prideful.
I have made my own grave to take rest in.
I pray I won't die here.
I know You are reaching for me Father, but I grasp for You with my eyes closed.
I will pray because sometimes that is all you can do, but I pray because sometimes it is all you need to do.

Refracted doubt

Dusty fields dry and dead
I thirst for you but I continue to go unfed
I try to hear Your voice but I wonder if I want to listen
I want to stop this fight and every time I look into my heart I am sure
I search through the broken thoughts and confused logic of a prideful fool
I feel deprived and the heart of flesh is petrifying back to the dense stone it was before
Blood made me whole and now blood drips from me so I pray Lord I can bleed out this pain
I know You have sanctified me and gave me life but why can’t you give me peace one more time Lord?
The eyes of the hopeful look too me as some the false archetype they cry for perfection and all I can offer is disappointment.
Every burden of the afflicted I tie around my neck, and now they weigh on me like a millstone around my neck and I hear the sea calling my name to just dive in to oblivion on last time.
While sinking to through the dark depths of the endless ocean I wonder why I am letting myself sink.
Light can no longer penetrate through the black I am alone life leaves me death claims me, but I cannot forgot how the light shined.

A victory?

Your lies and your pain and your selfish heart are screaming my name; your lust, your vengeance, your hate is roaring at me. My flesh is shaking while my heart begins to drip with the deepest crimson, and I feel alone. You try and take everything I love, your fiendish acts leave me in a daze. With every victory you dart for my throat with such violence I nearly crumble from fear. You leave me deprived you and try and steal my gift for Him.

I feel my muscle tense and my fingernails dig deep into my skin while he tries to consume my will. I look for something to lift me out bed, but I have no strength left inside of me. The wind crashes through and sunders this shadow .The moonlight shines in through all the black and slowly I release my fist. I gaze above and I search in side my heart. My tears are wiped from my eyes and once again hope is all I see only because I can’t forget how much He loves me.

Tired

I keep dredging through a valley of black with all your burdens on my back. I never see your face and your voice is far from me. I give you devotion and love, and you give me half hearted response lace with spite and duty. I try and stay faithful to God’s will and you drag me through the mud and expect me to still feel the same? You hold all the answers yet you keep them to yourself.

I don’t need these lies and uncertainty I don’t need you to lift me up or be there for me, but I want you to be there with me. I don’t think you feel the same way. I have been patient for too long now and still you have nothing to offer me? I put you through one night of pain and it tore me apart to know I put you through that, and you put me through months of pain and seem to have no remorse for what you have done.

If you loved me you would listen to God and do as he pleases because I am so tired of this. I raise my arms with heart in hand you can either smash it to pieces or embrace it, but I don’t think I can offer my heart much longer because my arms are getting tired.