Refracted doubt

Dusty fields dry and dead
I thirst for you but I continue to go unfed
I try to hear Your voice but I wonder if I want to listen
I want to stop this fight and every time I look into my heart I am sure
I search through the broken thoughts and confused logic of a prideful fool
I feel deprived and the heart of flesh is petrifying back to the dense stone it was before
Blood made me whole and now blood drips from me so I pray Lord I can bleed out this pain
I know You have sanctified me and gave me life but why can’t you give me peace one more time Lord?
The eyes of the hopeful look too me as some the false archetype they cry for perfection and all I can offer is disappointment.
Every burden of the afflicted I tie around my neck, and now they weigh on me like a millstone around my neck and I hear the sea calling my name to just dive in to oblivion on last time.
While sinking to through the dark depths of the endless ocean I wonder why I am letting myself sink.
Light can no longer penetrate through the black I am alone life leaves me death claims me, but I cannot forgot how the light shined.

A victory?

Your lies and your pain and your selfish heart are screaming my name; your lust, your vengeance, your hate is roaring at me. My flesh is shaking while my heart begins to drip with the deepest crimson, and I feel alone. You try and take everything I love, your fiendish acts leave me in a daze. With every victory you dart for my throat with such violence I nearly crumble from fear. You leave me deprived you and try and steal my gift for Him.

I feel my muscle tense and my fingernails dig deep into my skin while he tries to consume my will. I look for something to lift me out bed, but I have no strength left inside of me. The wind crashes through and sunders this shadow .The moonlight shines in through all the black and slowly I release my fist. I gaze above and I search in side my heart. My tears are wiped from my eyes and once again hope is all I see only because I can’t forget how much He loves me.

Tired

I keep dredging through a valley of black with all your burdens on my back. I never see your face and your voice is far from me. I give you devotion and love, and you give me half hearted response lace with spite and duty. I try and stay faithful to God’s will and you drag me through the mud and expect me to still feel the same? You hold all the answers yet you keep them to yourself.

I don’t need these lies and uncertainty I don’t need you to lift me up or be there for me, but I want you to be there with me. I don’t think you feel the same way. I have been patient for too long now and still you have nothing to offer me? I put you through one night of pain and it tore me apart to know I put you through that, and you put me through months of pain and seem to have no remorse for what you have done.

If you loved me you would listen to God and do as he pleases because I am so tired of this. I raise my arms with heart in hand you can either smash it to pieces or embrace it, but I don’t think I can offer my heart much longer because my arms are getting tired.

I don't even remember writing this one

I forget who I am at times what I can do what I can say.
I forget that no one really cares about what people have to say people just want hear what they want to hear.
I forget that being honest and telling people the truth doesn’t mean people are going to care about what you have to say.
I forget that people won’t care to know until they know you care.
I forget that I am not perfect or smart.
I forget that people don’t see Jesus Christ’s love in me.
I forget that it doesn’t matter how much you care about someone if they don’t want to talk to you.
I forget that loving people doesn’t matter if you don’t show them that you love them.
I forget that I have lost most of my friends.
I forget that I have to be an example to the rest of the world.
I forget that Jesus Christ died for all of my sins.
I forget that my life is not up to me it is up to God.
I forget that God is always watching over me.
I forget that God always loves me.
But God doesn’t forget!

Old school

Oh God You hear me, oh God You know me, and Oh God You see me. Oh God why do You love me? You see more than what I show the world. You see more than the church knows. You see more than anyone else does. You know my works and my thoughts. You know my malice, You know my hate You know my lust, but You also know my fate.
I heard your call, though because of fear I chose to withdrawal. I feel like I am alone and deep down I know why. The voice of many waters is hard to hear if you choose to close your ear. I have tried to hide my life from you, but still you knew everything I would do.
Even though my heart thirsts for your voice sadly I keep making the wrong choice. My evil deeds keep piling up yet Lord you still offer to fill my cup? How is Your love still there? I keep turning my back to You, and I look back and I see your hand still reaching for me. I throw dirt in your eyes and spit in your face, yet Lord you still offer me Your grace?
I look into my heart Lord You are there, I look out on Your people You are there Lord, I look out on Your Earth You are there Lord, and I look out on Your universe You are there Lord. You are all around me and even reside in the deepest depths of my heart, yet I chose to depart?
On my knees sackcloth on my back and ashes on my head I cry out to God with all the passion and all the strength left in me hoping You will once again draw near to me. I fear my cries will be unheard because I continually chose to ignore Your Word. But You whisper in my ear “son no need to scream I was always near”. No deed is greater than grace; no darkness can hide Your face, never again will I let my love for You leave this place. In the shadow of your wing all there is left to sing is all the glory and honor to Christ my king.

Mist

Mist clouds my thoughts. A mist I freely invited in. The mist has turned me around I am not sure if I am going the right way anymore. Hiding in shadows are only what needs to be hidden. Thoughts shrouded and hearts harden playing in the shadows seems so appealing.

Waiting in the dark is doubt. Waiting in the doubt is lies. Waiting in the lies is a wide path. A path that can’t is inviting and holds all that has hidden in the shadows all this time. Children of God cannot hide in the shadows forever.

Through the breach our good Shepherd searches for us. Our Lord looks into our hearts reaches out to us and calls. His voice quiet and still utters simply “Let me carry you out of these shadows”.

Q_Q

It’s ugly and dark. The pestilence of our own making is vast. The dilemma of hate reaches far. On all sides all I see is hate and pain. I look in the eyes of the masses. Hope has evaded their sights. I see the questions of the justified linger, but are not said. I see fear and confusion, and a loss of hope. I look all around and all I see is fear and doubt. Has blight sent those I love away from me?

I can not put them on my shoulders this time, and it breaks my heart. I am helpless. I look around and all I see is despondent eyes looking to me. There is no friend to turn to and no answers to be found when surrounded by shadows. My whole life I have fought. My whole life I have fought for them, and I know I can’t fight this time. We hope for justice, but there is none, for salvation, but it is far from us. Tears bring cleansing no longer, but tears show an emblem of the wasted. I look all around and no longer see at all. Left in the dark alone all that is left is You.

First of the Worst 2

I stand on feeble knees and wobbly legs. I try to run away and drop this weight off my back. I hear the same people tell me the same things. I may not be superman but I am as close it gets. The devil comes knocking with kryptonite in hand and I turn the handle of the door, but You remind You are Lord.

I tried to find comfort in the person I thought could give it, but once again I am alone at my weakest. I walk with the world on my shoulders all day long. More people throw their weight on these broad shoulders, but I am starting to think I am running out of room. I may not be superman, but you like to treat me like I am The enemy wants me to trap me in the mire, so I will give up.

I have been sinking for so long, but just like Peter it is because of my little faith. The hurt and the pain are real, and I know I can’t run from the storm. So, I am just running to the tower no storm can crumble. Run to the secret place no man or emotion or pain or disease will have dominion in the presence of the Lord. Run to the secret place.